My Soul Yearns For You

Okay guys, so I postponed the journal thing, I just sent this message to a friend of mine, and I feel like in a way I'm contradicting what I said last night, but the fact is, I'm not perfect, so far from perfect, and this is what is on my heart and mind, and when I started this blog I made two promises,

One) That I would blog everyday.

Two) That I would talk about what God put on my heart and what I encountered that day, so here it is.

"My heart is screaming! I want to live a lifestyle of worship, and going to school reminds me of every single mistake I've made or lie I've told, and today it was honestly a big deal for me to tell people I want to a youth conference called Jesus Culture. I just am crying for God to use me and I keep telling myself, God puts us where we are supposed to be, and we have to use what he gives us before he will give us more! But I don't know what to do, I can't handle it, and I know life isn't Jesus Culture all the time, and honestly today was an amazing day with God, I spent over an hour between getting ready for school, breakfast, and driving there with God, and all day I would stop and pray and would feel him hold my hand, I tried to shine as much as I could but I feel like my heart is craving for something so much deeper!!!!!! AHHH And I go to school and talk to some people and all they talk about is old times which in my mind are mistakes I've made, but that kind of fits with what that guy prophesied over me, saying that old insecurities are wiped away and God is molding me into the man he has planned for me to be. But I just, I just, it is a fight! But you know, I am going to keep fighting, but I want to be rescued and delivered. Maybe I'm lazy or just plain scared of screwing up again."

That was my blur of thoughts an hour ago, I don't know what it is, I feel so eager to worship through music all the time, and I mean I can worship anywhere, in the lunch line at school. I don't have to wait for a live band to come set up in front of me and start playing in order for something to stir up in me, I can worship by helping others, but there is a craving for something more, and I don't know why or what it is. Some times I'm scared that this dream I have is becoming an idol, I can't become a dream worshipper, I have to be a God worshipper, and perhaps become less consumed with what I really want to be doing, and just focus on lending a helping hand, maybe that is all God knows that I am ready for, maybe I have to accept that.

I read this and felt broken, do you think this why I screwed up so many times before in my past? Or deal with the things that I do? Is this me? As a kid, people would tell me I would do great things for God, do you think all this relates?

2 Corinthians 12:10 ----

^7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

You know, one of the sermons that I heard over the weekend was talking about what I spoke about last night, that God uses us in small ways before he will bring us to the big stuff. We have to be faithful, and when he sees that faithfulness he will then advance us, but only when he knows we are ready.

Lord, give me patience, and help me to see what it is you have in front of me. I am yours. Purify and Sanctify my Dreams and Ambitions. You have my heart broken in your hands, use me God.

Bloggers, maybe this rant has ruined what you got from last night's one, but this is what is on my heart. I'm sorry I hope you still got something out of my blabber.

I live to know you more,

Colton

Rain Down

Hey!

So I am back, refreshed, recharged, and I believe it is safe to say, changed.

I have so much to tell you guys, so many things I have learned, so many new desires in my heart revealed. It truly was a weekend that has shaped who I am, I find myself on the mountaintop, meaning feeling so high. Some people say you have to come down of the mountaintop, I say God is making me into a mountain top that cannot move or be shaken.

I love my God, and I have committed myself, 98% isn't enough, it's all or enough. I am excited for school tomorrow, I am ready to set loose the fire that God has given me, pray with me that I will not burn out at school, that the enemies or thoughts and desires of this world will not dampen my flame.

I am excited to share with you guys everything that happened this weekend, and I will, the amount of things that I learned or that went through my mind in one day is unfathomable, so. tomorrow I whip out my journal and I will fill you guys in.

Haha, for some reason I can't say goodbye and end this blog, you know, our Lord's love is contagious. It's something I can't control, praise God. Let's be revivalists, and be warriors, wherever God places us. Remember, before we fly to the full potential that God has for us we must "do the dirty work", meaning be faithful, maybe do odd jobs, or what seems to us as tasks of unimportance, however God is always training us, so while he is training us, let's be radical for Him who was radical for us first.

Back to the start, my heart is heavy

Feels like it's time, to dream again

I see the clouds, and yes I'm ready

To dance upon this barren land

Hope in my hands

Jet lagged, and on fire, and not going to hold back,

Colton

See You Soon

Hi Blog Readers, well if you have been reading over the past few days, you've noticed that I have been writing from my journal while I was doing mission work in Los Angeles, well tomorrow I leave for Los Angeles again. This time I am not exactly doing "a mission", well let me rephrase that we are always on a mission, however this trip isn't the same as last time. A group of friends and I are going to a Jesus Culture Conference in Redding California. I am so excited for this adventure.

I got this from the youth leader of the other kids I am going with, we don't go to the same church, yet he knows me through other programs.. so here it is,

" I'll be praying for you every single day. I ask that you go with open hearts and a willingness to experience something greater in God. Don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zones. This is an amazing opportunity for God to reveal himself to you in a whole new way! Be open and stay focused and go expecting.... :-) K? "

I love that he gave us those words, go expecting, be open and stay focused, so if you guys would pray for an amazing experience that would be cool, I cannot wait to report back to you about everything that I encounter. I am praying for God to use me, to kill me, to break my heart, and then sow it back together with his love once more.

Because of the trip, and I imagine some late nights I doubt I will get to blog everyday, if any day, so stay tuned, Ill be home on Tuesday and you better believe I will be a fierce blogger.

Expecting to be moved with open hearts,

Colton

Round Three

Hey Folks! Well here is two more of my journal entries from my trip. Tomorrow's blog will hold a couple more entries, but then I am headed back to California on Thursday. I am going to Encounter 2010 which is a Jesus Culture conference, pray that God will do something spectacular, I am so yearning to grow so much more, and experience his love in a whole other setting. So, tomorrow there will be a blog and I am hoping that when I get to California I will get a chance to blog about what's going on there, if not, when I return home I will definitely fill you in, I plan on taking a journal.

Thursday, August 20th

Thrilling, threatening, indescribable! That is how I would describe today. This morning we went to Skid Row, I felt tired and drained but got through it. Then this afternoon we handed meals to the homeless, today it seemed like the majority of them were African American. It strikes me how there are hardly any white people on the streets, perhaps this hurts people perceptions. I loved handing the meals out, I was at the end of the assembly line so that was my job, giving the plate of food to the next person in line. I felt like I was actually making people hope, or light a spark of energy in their lives. It's so curious to watch people. There was only one guy who gave me a hard time. He kept trying to cut the line and steal another meal so we kept telling him "no." Then, one time he tried and I caught him and said, "sorry sir you have to go to the back of the line." While saying this a I put my hand on his shoulder, as a friendly gesture. However, he lost it because I touched him. He said that I had no right to touch me and then he told everyone he wasn't coming back until I was gone. Haha, I felt so threatened, but I was excited and I felt I grew in courage. When no one was looking he humbled himself and went back to the line and I was really happy to give him his next meal, although I'm not sure what was going through his mind.

Tonight was a service night at the Angeles Temple. Indescribable, Life Changing, God breathed! They had dancers that danced to Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson. Plus an incredible live band and team or worship leaders. Along with that there was intelligent lighting and the energy of hundreds and hundreds of people. God's spirit was undeniable and I feel filled, blessed, and so connected with God. The message and everything was wonderful, I am so blessed to have three more services here! I want to continue to be strong, patient, wise, and mature... I pray for that! God has changed me and taken it all, because He can.

Friday, August 21st

Heart breaking. Skid Row outreach tonight. SO much Poverty! So much disaster, sadness, cursing, hatred. I felt like I'm meant to be a beacon of hope and light in these hurting peoples lives. I've been praying and learning a lot lately that it's not about me, it's about him... but I still wanted to feel like I was accomplishing something through God. We came to this man on Skid Row who found out today that he had six months to live. His story is unimaginable, everything inside of him is failing. He felt hopeless, forsaken, every terrible feeling out there, I'm sure his spirit held. He has two kids, one 15, one 9. They live with their Mother and they won't see him again until three weeks before he dies, according to the Doctor. He kept talking about how terrible of a Father he was and felt like His whole life he had failed, and He wanted to do at least one thing right before his time was up. He shared that when his son was young he used to force his son to give Him needles. Eventually everyone from The Dream Center was praying around this young man. God was moving! I was trying to give my all, knowing that it wasn't about how successful I thought my prayer was, just thinking that I could give it my all to try and help this man. My hand was stretched towards him, we were half way done praying and this man grabbed my hand! No one else noticed but it shook me! I don't know why he did it, or what it meant, but it really sincerely meant the world to me. For him it was probably a cry for help and a grab of thanksgiving that this multitude of people were praying for him, but for me it felt like it was a word from God saying, you are doing what I want you to do, keep going!

Skid Row is heart breaking and you learn so much, I feel like I need to be bolder in my faith and just let myself by led by the Holy Spirit. That is my prayer. We were exhausted after, that but we wanted to keep outreaching so we then went to Hollywood Blvd. Right outside of The Kodak Theatre. It was so different, and it's peculiar to think about. Moments ago we were surrounded by garbage and people living in that Garbage, and now we were standing in front of the Kodak Theatre, where Celebrity's are usually spotted. The two places were so different, yet the hurt was the exact same! I am so exhausted now, it's almost one here, I'm dead!I'm still growing, and I LOVE that!

Filled with Excitement,

Colton

Round Two

Let's keep on going, and hey bloggers if you are getting bored of my journal let me know, while I am re-reading these entries so many things pop into my mind but I'm not sharing them because I feel like I am writing miles and miles.. so, please enjoy the next day of my Los Angeles adventure. :)

Wednesday, August 19th

"Race" Today I learned that sense I am a rich white boy I can bring joy into a Spanish mans life by humbling myself and handing out well needed produce, this is remarkable. Today we did the food truck, which means we filled a food truck with any food that has been donated to the Dream Center and then delivered to areas of poverty in L.A. Because of God's wonderfulness we fed over 200 people in a Spanish community.

The leader today had another amazing testimony, he used to worship Satan. One day he was at a church activity of some sort and was so frustrated that he punched the leader of the event in the face. The leader responded by hugging this guy back, because of that love that was shown, this guy turned to the Lord. I want to show that love.

This evening we did and outreach at "Muscle Beach." this beach is known for celebrity sightings, however, amongst all the fame and glory, once again there is so much poverty. When we got to the beach we gave away free pizza and pop and just talked to people, let them tell us their stories and love them back. One lady we were talking to had been there for ten years living on that same beach, she said that over time you get to enjoy the time you have by yourself. Of course all of these people have quite the story to tell, wether they have made it up, or they legitimately fell into that tragedy, is a mystery. I love the aspect of getting to know people and loving them through everything they have gone through.

Sometimes I found myself getting discouraged because I'm not the best at bringing up God in a conversation with people on the streets, or in general. However, I am learning so much, and I pray God will use me however he wants, whenever he wants, and I will be prepared to do so. I have to give all the glory to God. I am truly learning so much, and there is so much that I am excited to take back with me. God is literally changing my life, slowly but surely.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE! He is good.

Have a wonderful night bloggers, let me know what you think.

Craving to change a life,

Colton

Surreal

Hey Guys, so I decided to continue with my journal, these entries were written the first three days of my mission in Los Angeles, the third entry is probably the most in depth and interesting, just throwing that out there. Reading back in my journal I realize I was exposed to so many of God's lessons and I hope that those are transparent as you read. SO, here it is.

P.S. All the pictures I have posted have been taken by Mark Niles, the mission leader while on the trip to Los Angeles.

Sunday, August 16th

I am staring outside my Dream Center window in L.A! I am amazed, it's wonderful. After a long day of travel, it is needless to say that I'm exhausted. When we got here it was really overwhelming, we all felt homesick, tired, and whatnot. This isn't a palace by any means, but we have enough, I have to remember this isn't a vacation, this is a mission, just like my life, I shouldn't be thinking I can just be lazy and slide through life, all the time I am in a mission, that's so cool! the schedule looks incredible, I'm pumped.

We went for a drive through Beverly Hills today, saw the Jonas brothers house, or should I say, gate. We bought a Star's house map, haha it is almost surreal. It's incredible how within such a small radius there is so much wealth and so much poverty all at the same time, I love seeing and learning and expanding what I know about the world. God, thank you so much for this trip. I want this trip to push me with God, and to push me to stand firm in my faith. I have so much praying to do. Rime for God, I miss being immersed in his Spirit.

Monday, August 17th.

Today, day off... sounds kind of funny, seeing as I just got here yesterday, but that's just how the schedule worked out. So, today we travelled through the California mountains. The only word I can think of is "beautiful." I am not in a room with a bunch of old men, Ha! They are Canadians, just like us, this will be fun.

I am praying God will really use me to change lives, that is my deep craving. I thank god for helping me with temptations and everything, I pray that that will never end. I want to stay mystified. I know I will always be, if I continue to stay and soak in his presence. If we love we cannot sin. god help me to bless others in everything I do, and bless me Lord, prepare me.

Tuesday, August 18th

So rewarding and encouraging and thought provoking!

We started our outreach for "hope for the Homeless" by making sandwiches and bag lunches to deliver to Venice Beach. These could be there only meals that they will have today. The director of the mission is a former gay prostitute/cross dresser, whom God delivered. His story is mesmerizing. He was months away form getting a sex change and then he went back to his home town, dressed as women, and went to his family church, God spoke deep into his soul at the perfect time.

Next we went to Venice beach and delivered the food and just loved the people there. Everyone has a story, everybody is somebody, they all deserve a life, you know? I was so pumped and then so scared and out of my comfort zone all at the same time. I pray that God will help me to connect to people through this trip and through life. I felt so out of place, it was so "cool". The time went by really fast I was pretty quiet but my mind was racing. These people were doing nothing with there lives - living for a high. What's Gods plan for them? The I thought, what's Gods plan for me? What if I screw up majorly and don't find a way. i know it's ridiculous talk, but I can't help it. This evening we went to a Dodgers game. They won, it was an hilarious experience, thank you god for blessing me with all of this. It's so unreal, but sadly so real, I go to Dodgers games and so many people live out of garbage cans, are they happy with that? This is my chance to do something, Praise you God for giving me this opportunity!

I need to have alone time with God while I'm here, that way it will prepare me for when I go home. God has done so much and he has never forsaken me, I am so overtaken with emotion. There is just so much I can work on, and I pray God will teach it to me and show me how to improve my walk. I love being immersed in his spirit.

Blessings,

Colton

Journal - Week Before.

These journal entries are the week leading up to my mission to Los Angeles, this was trainging week. For anyone who knows me, the year up to that point had been really rough, I went through a lot, looked in all the wrong places for a sold "feeling" and ended up just hurting myself and people around me - but through out all of that I knew God was there, I just needed to hear from him directly. FYI, at the begginning of the week it had been a long time sense I talked to God, or was even tuned into him. I don't why God did they things the way he did this week, but it was perfect. Keep this all in mind haha. So, here we go.

Sunday, August '09

Woah, I'm feeling nervous, perhaps fearful, excited and anxious. I am a junior leader, I'm looking after two boys with disabilities. I want to be strong for them, when really, I am new at this. I know that I love Jesus, that's what matters, I am so blessed, praise God! Today there was orientation and then a leader meeting. Time to pray for tomorrow.

Monday, August '09

Evening service was rocky! God was there but I want to be filled with his presence so badly. Gary had some pretty cool words for me... "I am mature and he sees me in a valley, with endless space, that I will not be pushed on a dirt path that Satan leads." I feel some what powerless, like I want to BAWL, BLOWUP, SUBMERGE, and SHOWER myself in God's spirit. I can feel it, but I'm scared of losing. God gave me a complex mind and I need confidence to go with it. Jesus I love you and need you.

Tuesday

Frustrated and faithful. I desire so hard to praise God and be filled with his spirit. People prayed for me to be filled, it didn't happen. Sucks! Wait upon God. Keep a positive attitude. Be real, and be thankful for what he does give to you. I speak Thursday, pray for a word, something to really touch people. Something Beautiful. I was asked to lead a worship song, totally empowering!!

Wednesday

Worship was tough. I was told to calm down and let Jesus come to me... instead of trying so hard to find him. Which is difficult. Then I had a wicked talk with joey and Phillipe. Basically what came from it was " be, don't do." A challenge, but I will do this... Anything for God.

Thursday

I feel like God is doing something indescribable, wait... more like changing me. It's about being not doing, about believing, not always feeling. Patience... about wisdom and courage to ask for help. God is moving and I am making a commitment. Bible - EVERYDAY. Prayer - TALK(2 way conversation with God!) All the time! I spoke my sermon today and trusted God with results. I want to ask Gary tomorrow for Prayer, it's been on my heart all week. I don't know why, thank you God.

Friday, August 14th.

Part One - I just had morning worship, and I finally just worshipped, without thinking about myself or what people thought. Then I saw some people really into God and I wanted that. I don't know if it was my imagination but I just gave my all and I met Jesus, beard and all, in a dark room. He said come with me, follow me. I took his hand and we flew down this waterfall. I feel like it's our place. So cheesy, and maybe I am overtired, but it felt so right and real.

Part Two (Before Commissioning Service) - Just talked and prayed with gary, So rewarding! God had it on my heart all week to ask him to pray and I finally did! He said he senses I have the gift of speaking in tongues and that I should use it everyday. It builds the armour and protection, Praise the Lord!

Part Three (After Commissioning, More like Saturday at 2:30 am)

I could write a novel! My night, I've prayed all night and week for an incredible commissioning service. My name was called and Kurt and Pascale prayed for me. I felt nothing... I was so mad and sad. I thought God must of been trying to teach me something... Like "don't rely on people, come to me." I was so angry, I tried so hard, after my entire year I felt like I needed some kind of signal from God that I was forgiven and he could use me and still love me. I wanted to burst. I talked to Phillipe about it, I was trying to accept that God was just going to work slowly. The Los Angeles mission team was praying for our Leader. I felt like I was going to explode, there was so much tension I was so upset at this point because so many people were being filled with his presence and just bursting with joy at the words they had gotten from God, I felt such a burden and so hopeless, unlike anything I have ever felt before. All of a sudden, Jessica (a member of the team) stopped praying and blurted, "Colton I need to pray for you right now!" All I could do was say, "Thank God!" The timing could not have been better, I honestly felt like I was about to scream if she hadn't of said that. The team prayed for me and it was one of the most incredible extraordinary feelings in the world. I can't describe, I know that I can't live by a feeling, you live by faith, but I truly believe I needed that from God, and he obviously knew that. All my burdens are lifted. I feel full and filled and now it's time to embrace God, there is a massive change stirring in my soul. He has rescued me from a dirt path lead by Satan, and never will I go back.

So that is the journal of the week before I headed to L.A. Interesting how god works isn't it? I thought I was about to die, then he put it on someones soul at the perfect time to pray for me, and we prayed for hours I remember as I wept on the floor, spilling out everything that I felt I had done wrong, God took all my sins and threw them away. He took every ounce of shame that was pouncing on my soul and murdered it. Every word that anyone prayed over me during those hours was so God breathed and prophetic that thinking back all I can do is smile, and hold back tears at how glorious and wise and loving our God is. That love that he shows, is ours all the time, so let's take it, and embrace it.

In adoration,

Colton