My Soul Yearns For You

Okay guys, so I postponed the journal thing, I just sent this message to a friend of mine, and I feel like in a way I'm contradicting what I said last night, but the fact is, I'm not perfect, so far from perfect, and this is what is on my heart and mind, and when I started this blog I made two promises,

One) That I would blog everyday.

Two) That I would talk about what God put on my heart and what I encountered that day, so here it is.

"My heart is screaming! I want to live a lifestyle of worship, and going to school reminds me of every single mistake I've made or lie I've told, and today it was honestly a big deal for me to tell people I want to a youth conference called Jesus Culture. I just am crying for God to use me and I keep telling myself, God puts us where we are supposed to be, and we have to use what he gives us before he will give us more! But I don't know what to do, I can't handle it, and I know life isn't Jesus Culture all the time, and honestly today was an amazing day with God, I spent over an hour between getting ready for school, breakfast, and driving there with God, and all day I would stop and pray and would feel him hold my hand, I tried to shine as much as I could but I feel like my heart is craving for something so much deeper!!!!!! AHHH And I go to school and talk to some people and all they talk about is old times which in my mind are mistakes I've made, but that kind of fits with what that guy prophesied over me, saying that old insecurities are wiped away and God is molding me into the man he has planned for me to be. But I just, I just, it is a fight! But you know, I am going to keep fighting, but I want to be rescued and delivered. Maybe I'm lazy or just plain scared of screwing up again."

That was my blur of thoughts an hour ago, I don't know what it is, I feel so eager to worship through music all the time, and I mean I can worship anywhere, in the lunch line at school. I don't have to wait for a live band to come set up in front of me and start playing in order for something to stir up in me, I can worship by helping others, but there is a craving for something more, and I don't know why or what it is. Some times I'm scared that this dream I have is becoming an idol, I can't become a dream worshipper, I have to be a God worshipper, and perhaps become less consumed with what I really want to be doing, and just focus on lending a helping hand, maybe that is all God knows that I am ready for, maybe I have to accept that.

I read this and felt broken, do you think this why I screwed up so many times before in my past? Or deal with the things that I do? Is this me? As a kid, people would tell me I would do great things for God, do you think all this relates?

2 Corinthians 12:10 ----

^7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

You know, one of the sermons that I heard over the weekend was talking about what I spoke about last night, that God uses us in small ways before he will bring us to the big stuff. We have to be faithful, and when he sees that faithfulness he will then advance us, but only when he knows we are ready.

Lord, give me patience, and help me to see what it is you have in front of me. I am yours. Purify and Sanctify my Dreams and Ambitions. You have my heart broken in your hands, use me God.

Bloggers, maybe this rant has ruined what you got from last night's one, but this is what is on my heart. I'm sorry I hope you still got something out of my blabber.

I live to know you more,

Colton