Journal - Week Before.

These journal entries are the week leading up to my mission to Los Angeles, this was trainging week. For anyone who knows me, the year up to that point had been really rough, I went through a lot, looked in all the wrong places for a sold "feeling" and ended up just hurting myself and people around me - but through out all of that I knew God was there, I just needed to hear from him directly. FYI, at the begginning of the week it had been a long time sense I talked to God, or was even tuned into him. I don't why God did they things the way he did this week, but it was perfect. Keep this all in mind haha. So, here we go.

Sunday, August '09

Woah, I'm feeling nervous, perhaps fearful, excited and anxious. I am a junior leader, I'm looking after two boys with disabilities. I want to be strong for them, when really, I am new at this. I know that I love Jesus, that's what matters, I am so blessed, praise God! Today there was orientation and then a leader meeting. Time to pray for tomorrow.

Monday, August '09

Evening service was rocky! God was there but I want to be filled with his presence so badly. Gary had some pretty cool words for me... "I am mature and he sees me in a valley, with endless space, that I will not be pushed on a dirt path that Satan leads." I feel some what powerless, like I want to BAWL, BLOWUP, SUBMERGE, and SHOWER myself in God's spirit. I can feel it, but I'm scared of losing. God gave me a complex mind and I need confidence to go with it. Jesus I love you and need you.

Tuesday

Frustrated and faithful. I desire so hard to praise God and be filled with his spirit. People prayed for me to be filled, it didn't happen. Sucks! Wait upon God. Keep a positive attitude. Be real, and be thankful for what he does give to you. I speak Thursday, pray for a word, something to really touch people. Something Beautiful. I was asked to lead a worship song, totally empowering!!

Wednesday

Worship was tough. I was told to calm down and let Jesus come to me... instead of trying so hard to find him. Which is difficult. Then I had a wicked talk with joey and Phillipe. Basically what came from it was " be, don't do." A challenge, but I will do this... Anything for God.

Thursday

I feel like God is doing something indescribable, wait... more like changing me. It's about being not doing, about believing, not always feeling. Patience... about wisdom and courage to ask for help. God is moving and I am making a commitment. Bible - EVERYDAY. Prayer - TALK(2 way conversation with God!) All the time! I spoke my sermon today and trusted God with results. I want to ask Gary tomorrow for Prayer, it's been on my heart all week. I don't know why, thank you God.

Friday, August 14th.

Part One - I just had morning worship, and I finally just worshipped, without thinking about myself or what people thought. Then I saw some people really into God and I wanted that. I don't know if it was my imagination but I just gave my all and I met Jesus, beard and all, in a dark room. He said come with me, follow me. I took his hand and we flew down this waterfall. I feel like it's our place. So cheesy, and maybe I am overtired, but it felt so right and real.

Part Two (Before Commissioning Service) - Just talked and prayed with gary, So rewarding! God had it on my heart all week to ask him to pray and I finally did! He said he senses I have the gift of speaking in tongues and that I should use it everyday. It builds the armour and protection, Praise the Lord!

Part Three (After Commissioning, More like Saturday at 2:30 am)

I could write a novel! My night, I've prayed all night and week for an incredible commissioning service. My name was called and Kurt and Pascale prayed for me. I felt nothing... I was so mad and sad. I thought God must of been trying to teach me something... Like "don't rely on people, come to me." I was so angry, I tried so hard, after my entire year I felt like I needed some kind of signal from God that I was forgiven and he could use me and still love me. I wanted to burst. I talked to Phillipe about it, I was trying to accept that God was just going to work slowly. The Los Angeles mission team was praying for our Leader. I felt like I was going to explode, there was so much tension I was so upset at this point because so many people were being filled with his presence and just bursting with joy at the words they had gotten from God, I felt such a burden and so hopeless, unlike anything I have ever felt before. All of a sudden, Jessica (a member of the team) stopped praying and blurted, "Colton I need to pray for you right now!" All I could do was say, "Thank God!" The timing could not have been better, I honestly felt like I was about to scream if she hadn't of said that. The team prayed for me and it was one of the most incredible extraordinary feelings in the world. I can't describe, I know that I can't live by a feeling, you live by faith, but I truly believe I needed that from God, and he obviously knew that. All my burdens are lifted. I feel full and filled and now it's time to embrace God, there is a massive change stirring in my soul. He has rescued me from a dirt path lead by Satan, and never will I go back.

So that is the journal of the week before I headed to L.A. Interesting how god works isn't it? I thought I was about to die, then he put it on someones soul at the perfect time to pray for me, and we prayed for hours I remember as I wept on the floor, spilling out everything that I felt I had done wrong, God took all my sins and threw them away. He took every ounce of shame that was pouncing on my soul and murdered it. Every word that anyone prayed over me during those hours was so God breathed and prophetic that thinking back all I can do is smile, and hold back tears at how glorious and wise and loving our God is. That love that he shows, is ours all the time, so let's take it, and embrace it.

In adoration,

Colton